Jeff's story of awakening, healing and redemption
The road to hell is paved with little compromises, not good intentions.

The pressure at work kept mounting up. The heady, sweet smell of success produced great highs (large bonuses, a raise). Complaints from my boss and others about tasks not done produced great lows. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many hours I put in, it never seemed to be enough. There was just too much work. My wife, Marcy, just did not understand. All she did was nag about me not being home enough and then she spent too much money, which added even more pressure.

I tried to tell her she couldn't have it both ways. Didn't she realize how good she had it? I got no appreciation and no sex. I began to lose sleep and it was affecting my performance at work. I turned to sexual fantasy and self-sex. What I should have done was share my pain, fear and loneliness with her. Instead I pushed her away. I had emotional intimacy and vulnerability issues stemming from an abusive childhood. I used that as an excuse to wallow in self-pity and anger, rather than as a motivation to grow even closer to my wife.

Temptations in a Time of Pressure

I can remember my co-worker, Sandy, often popping into my office and me thinking, "Wow, does she look great!" No matter how bad things got, I could always count on her to brighten my day. She had a willing laugh and ready smile. She had lost weight and liked to show off her "new look." She was also a good listener. The pressures of the day just seemed to melt away as I talked with her. I thought, "Man, I bet her husband slept well at night!"

Looking back, I realize that Satan never goes right up to a man and says, 'Leave your wife and children, leave your job and live a life of debauchery.' He is more subtle than that. It's a matter of little compromises and him saying, 'Oh that's nothing; most men are doing much worse than that. Besides, you're still a good husband, father and Christian.'

The Battle Grows

Things at home seemed colder and colder-more distant. I had looked at some websites at work that I probably shouldn't have, but thought, "Hey, the women are in swimsuits. It's not like they were naked or anything." I asked Marcy if she would wear something like those women. It was no big surprise that she said no. Then, in a conversation with Sandy, I discovered that she owned several of them and some of that really great lingerie too. I learned that Sandy's husband was no more interested in sex than Marcy seemed to be even when Sandy wore those really revealing outfits. I was shocked! I told her that he was out of his mind and that I would respond very enthusiastically to seeing her in those outfits! It was at this point that my life began to slide faster and farther. Up to this point, I had been more or less still standing at the crossroads, just pondering a new path, but not committed to it yet. But, I was now walking down the wrong road.

I couldn't get Sandy out of my mind. I got so excited just seeing her at work. At the same time, I started looking at pornographic websites. Marcy was more relaxed with me since I didn't pressure her for sex nearly as much. Still, she didn't want to do the things that I saw on those websites. But Sandy did! It amazed me. I can't remember how the subject came up, but Sandy basically said that she'd be willing to do anything with me-anytime. After work one day, I went for a drive with her in her car and I did what I had said many times I would never do. I had an affair.

Sexual Addiction

Sexual addiction is not really about sex. Sex is a symptom of the disease. It's the illicit and inappropriate medication for problems we experience. And, sexual addiction is really about rebellion against God. An abused child finds escape and innocent fantasy can serve as coping tools. It can be their means of survival. These coping methods, however, mutate as the child enters adolescence and the innocent fantasies are traded for sexual ones. He "medicates and escapes" through the chemicals released during sex. It's drug addiction with himself as the drug dealer. Like all addicts, the sex addict does not want to get well; he just wants the pain to go away-at first.

Now I was in damage control mode and it was all about me. What would happen to me? How did this happen (to me )? It wasn't fair (to me) . Surely God would not want me to lose my family? Surely God would smooth everything over and save Marcy and the kids (and me ) any further pain. I did all the right things. I told two brothers in Christ. I told Marcy and I promised never to do it again. Then, I went right back to work and a week later, I did it again. After a while, someone like me becomes comfortable with the pain. After all, the pain is the excuse the addict needs to get his "fix." Eventually, he becomes so wrapped up in himself and getting high that he becomes oblivious to everything else, including the pain he is causing others. The problem is that while he is fully responsible for his actions, his behavior is really out of control.

Seeking Help

I was terrified I would lose Marcy for sure now. I called Pastor Irv. He gave me the name of a great marriage counselor. I called the same two Christian brothers again. They were ruthless. By the time they were through with me, I was even more terrified. I went home and told Marcy again. I took a sabbatical from work and said I didn't know how long I'd be gone. I went to marriage counseling every day for weeks. I was genuinely sorry for what I had done to Marcy, but still something was missing. I didn't know what.

Repentance

That's when the Lord drew me to Psalm 51, especially verse 17. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart O God you will not despise." I prayed for brokenness and received some and I prayed for more and more brokenness. Then, one day, I was lying on my face praying, grinding my face into the carpet. I was genuinely sorry for my sin, not just the consequences (the wages" of my sin), but the sin itself. I told God my desire for Him to restore Marcy's and my relationship so that we could be a family again. For the first time, I was able to say, "Not my will, but yours be done, my Lord and my God." And I meant it. "If it is not your will that we be together, then please be the husband to my wife and the father to my children." Tears were streaming down my face and I thought that was the hardest thing that I would ever have to do. I was wrong.

I do not know how long I continued to lay there listening for God's voice and then it happened. Like lightning flashing to expose what lies in darkness, a quick flash of me committing my sin, in graphic detail came to mind. My mind screamed, "No!!" Then another flash. This time my left hand held the nail and my right hand the hammer and I was pounding the nail into His hands. My mind screamed, "No, stop, no!!!" And over and over again the image of my sin and the image of me pounding the nail into my Lord and Savior, Jesus' hand.

The true realization of my sin came to me. I was truly repentant. I hated my sin, not just the consequences. I loved my God and I ached over what I had done. I was sobbing with grief over my sin. Psalm 51:4 says, "Against You and You only have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight so that You are proved right when You speak and justified when You judge." Just when I knew I could not take any more, a wave of His forgiveness came to me (Psalm 38).

The Journey Continues

The journey was not over. You cannot erase or fix so grievous a sin in one day. It took months to restore me, restore my family and to restore trust. I will always have to live with the consequences of my sin, but I had really repented. I really hated my sin and the Lord really forgave me. This was the turning point. I saw what true freedom looked like. God worked through many men and my loving and forgiving wife. I thank my Lord and Savior most of all-for His forgiveness, mercy and love and for granting Marcy the capacity to forgive the unforgivable and to love in the face of the unlovable.

The names in this true story have been changed to protect the privacy of those in it .
Read Jeff's wife's story of healing, "The Road Back from 'the Call" at LifeStories.